On my mind...

Can someone feel like a failure at something they've never tried before? For me, it's called life. I was always shut in, not letting the outside world effect me in anyway for most of my life. No I have people I want to live for, so I'm forced to open my doors and live the kind of life I really do NOT want to live. What's that life you ask? The working life.

I've got to find a job in a town that is quite famous for having very little oppertunities. Yet the people around me seem to think that gaining a job is a simple task like walking up to the manager and saying "Can you give me a job?" It angers me and saddens me. My friends, even my lover, can understand what it's like to live most of your hiding from the world and then you have to go out into it just against your will just because you need to survive.

I admit I am filled with a certain amount of fear at getting a job. I'm not especially socialable, but having a job is throwing you right into the mix of a lot of people. And as an Empath the thought scares me. One did I mention the fact that I HATE having to do stuff just because other people say I have to? Few things piss me off more then when someone tries to tell me how to live my life.

I want to get out into the world. I really, really do. But something keeps holding me back. Something other then fear. I can't explain it so how can anyone understand me. Why WON'T anyone understand me. Everyone should know by now that I take things and see things a lot more differently then other people, but they treat me like they would anyone else. I wish someone would understand, and perhaps even help me past it....

I might be asking for too much...this could quite possibly be something I need to do on my own. But I'm almost positive I just need some help. And what's worse, Stephanie has been showing signs that she's getting sick of my "laziness" and her irritation is very apparent. Angie, my ex, showed those exact same signs, although a bit earlier in the relationship, and I'm terrified I'll lose Stephanie because of my own inability to get out into the world.

I want her to be dating someone she can be proud of, and I want to provide for her and even our kids someday. But right now I can't even provide for myself. It worries me. I need to do something or I could lose the most special person in my life. But if only it were that simple.

I guess I'll just have to try harder, it's not like I have any real choice...